Time: 0645.
Location:Home.
Listening to: Gotye.
Entry: I’m hosting the fighting game group at my apartment, for Fight Night, tonight. I still suck at Street Fighter. I have issues with the imputs, and i’m too anxious to play in a calm manner. Actually, I have issues adjusting from one character to another, but I am getting a little better with Juri. I would like to pocket Dhalsim, but I cannot get Tiger Knee Teleport.
Time: 1900.
Location:Home.
Listening to: Supernatural s7e18.
Entry: You could at least pretend talking to me isn’t so irritating for you.
Time: 0900 Location: Labinal Salisbury Inc. Listening to: Gurren Lagann OST Entry: Sometimes I feel bad for having a higher salary than my coworkers who have been working in this establishment longer than I have; some of these individuals have thousands of hours experience over me. Then, out of nowhere, they ask me a question that should be easily answered by common sense. Their limited will to advance and learn the program they are working on, and their inability to troubleshoot any issue- those are the reasons I make more. I know my job, I do it well.
Thus it begins.
My name is William. I lead a relatively normal life. I would like to think I am special, an exception, worthwhile- tragically, I am not. I am plain, overseen, part of the world. I am not nice, I am not unique. I am just my personality.
I work every day of the week, occasionally taking some time to myself. I volunteer, at my place of employment, to work weekends… every weekend. I tell myself I do it for the money, that is half of it; the rest of the reason is obligation. I feel a large portion of my coworkers are incompetent, and fail as members of something larger. I do not enjoy my job.
Oh yeah, I am joining the U.S. Air Force. Currently I am waiting on a job to become available.
I have next to no social life, and that is not something I like. It is my fault for being in that situation, because I do nothing to change it. I spend a couple evenings a week with some new friends, which I enjoy. I would like to spend more time being social, but I am afraid to put forth the effort.
I seem to put forth a shameful amount of effort into one particular attempt at a social life: a certain female interest. As of current I have a crush on a girl, but it is an odd situation. We spent a lot of time together in the past, but then we stopped. She told me that she knew I would be leaving, and didn’t want to get hurt, so she would rather end things early. She wasn’t “feeling it.” I was informed of this after a week or two of being ignored, and having plans cancelled at the last minute. I formed assumptions, I was right. Communications dwindled after that, with reason. I don’t like talking to people who provide short responses that don’t engage, and that is all she would reply with. There was never any interest in having conversations, so I never knew what to say.
After a few weeks, she started talking to me again, she told me what would be explained as the truth. In reality, she liked me a lot, and was, in fact, “feeling it;” however, she was trying to look out for her emotional well-being. She expressed what I hope to be sincere interest in spending time with me and possibly being with me; I still don’t know exactly what to make of it. We had made plans to spend time together, maybe even reconcile. At the end of the conversation, she pleaded with me not to cut myself off from her, like I can do so easily with anyone. I believed her desire.
Our plans fell through, similar to the plenty of memories I had of not too distant times and occurrences. “Not this, not again,” I dreaded. If it continues to happen, i’ll feel like a fool, a child’s play thing. My emotions are not made of steel, I can be hurt. I want to believe her… It’s hard to still feel like you have a crush on somebody when they make plans with you and cancel every time- when they always talk to you as if they’re being forced, and when you see them in person you just receive a wave and a “hey.” I hope I’m holding on with reason.
That is what has been on my mind the most recently. Beyond that, I have been stretched between a few tasks:
I also received a hair cut today. I no longer think myself an attractive man.
This has been a long post about nothing. There has been no point. No one will read this until I post links to this blog, and even then, who will have made it this far? If you have, congratulations.
