November 2010
4 posts
One of the Guys: A Tragedy
WTFdoods.tumblr.com
DO IT!
notblogging:
I wrote this over at WTFdoods, a new roast-blog that makes fun of doods in various capacities.
Click through to enjoy the whole piece, and remember: Marie Claire must be stopped!
One of the Guys: A Tragedy
A few weeks ago, my trusty co-writer and I came across this infuriating piece on Marie Claire’s website: 6 Ways to be One of the Guys, a male...
I looked up Zombies on Wikipedia and now I'm...
According to the tenets of Vodou, a dead person can be revived by a bokor, or sorcerer. Zombies remain under the control of the bokor since they have no will of their own…In 1937, while researching folklore in Haiti, Zora Neale Hurston encountered the case of a woman who appeared in a village, and a family claimed she was Felicia Felix-Mentor, a relative who had died and been buried in 1907...
A list of dating website cliches
- having a username with “brooklyn” or “nyc” in it
- having a username that expresses how much you hate hipsters
- starting a message with “i’m not too good at these things but __”
- listing your cool smartphone as one of the things you can’t live without
- making it known that you “don’t really watch TV” or “don’t...
This will change.: It takes a nation of... →
notblogging:
…to overlook a joke.
What do you think of someone named Carly Fiorina running for a senate seat in Carlyfiorina, ahem, I mean California? Sprinkles and I tried really, really hard (two whole emails) to spread the word on this glaring political pun, but no one would publish our findings. No…
September 2010
1 post
August 2010
1 post
July 2010
1 post
February 2010
2 posts
ADDENDUM
I would watch a show that features Snooki and J-Woww, and no one else.
My Problem With Jersey Shore
Did I watch every single episode of Jersey Shore season 1? Yes. Did I laugh, like a lot? Yes.
Well, now I’m tired of it. I don’t care anymore and I’m tired of it. Because they are making money, and that pisses me off. I didn’t watch Jersey Shore to look up to the guidos and admire them, I watched it to laugh at them and make fun of them because they are ridiculous and...
August 2009
1 post
June 2009
3 posts
Dear Paul,
Paul: which rhnj kid are you
let's make a quiz
Paul: what is your career ambition:
a) strip club/car wash
b) being a cosmetologist
c) being in a movie w/ the rock
d) getting a white jeep for passing summer school
me: you have a disease
True Life: This is a Tumbl
Taking a trip down memory lane and plotting the course for future lane Jennalise and I discussed the MTV news/docs series "True Life." While this show has tackled serious subjects like not liking the size of one's breasts or being a bitch, we recalled some of the standouts and plotted for future episodes. This kind of long, but hopefully worth it.
jennalise: "I'm an Urban Cheerleader" (10-2-2003)
me: aka black
jennalise: True Life: I'm black
jennalise: i have a list i'm making
me: "I Am Driving While Black"
me: that was one
jennalise: thats amazing
me: I Live in a Brothel: i remember that one
me: this may be the most famous one: I'm on Ecstasy
jennalise: yeah, i think i saw that
me: with the holes in the brain
me: I'm a High School Freshman
me: um...I Have Acne
me: omg: I'm Deaf
jennalise: there hasn't been an I'm Blind...
me: you just didnt see it
me: OH SNAP
jennalise: snap
me: I Stutter
me: what: I'm Moving to Vegas
me: oh ok: I'm a Middle School Football Champion
me: lol: I Live to Ride
jennalise: i cant believe all these happened
jennalise: like how can this be interesting for an hour
me: i have some
jennalise: and why are there so many about ppl not liking their breasts
me: true life: i'm a drag queen
jennalise: i have 6 so far
me: true life: i'm a drag racer
me: true life: i'm a drag
jennalise: true life: i drag things everywhere i go
me: true life: i'm a schlepper
me: true life: i have a crush on a family member
jennalise: incest, good
jennalise: its weird
me: true life: i'm a youtube star
jennalise: you'd think after all those seasons they'd have covered pretty much everything
me: well if they did the breast ones
jennalise: there's something about internet fame already
me: true life: my dick is small
jennalise: true
me: true life: my dick is too big
jennalise: hahaha
jennalise: true life: i don't like my dick
me: true life: i don't like getting blowjobs
me: true life: i don't like giving blowjobs
me: true life: i love giving blowjobs
me: true life: i love getting blowjobs
jennalise: there's no true life i'm a virgin
me: yeah - middle school wrestling champion
jennalise: true life: i live in the woods
me: same thing
me: true life: i live in a cave
jennalise: hahahaha
me: true live: i live in a car
jennalise: i'm dying
me: true life: i live at the office
me: true life: i don't want to grow up
jennalise: true life: i have diarrhea
me: lol ok
jennalise: i'm a freeloader
me: true life: i came out of the closet as gay but im in the closet for being straight, oops
jennalise: tl: i hunt pigeons
jennalise: hahahhahaah
jennalise: this is so fun
me: true life: i get recognized from being on another episode of true life
jennalise: HAHAHA
me: tl: i go through 10 tampons a day
me: tl: i always make chains out of paper clips
jennalise: tl: i eat snow
me: tl: i'm covering up a murder
jennalise.vescovo: tl: i'm dead
me: no
me: TD: i'm dead
jennalise: tl: i was murdered
jennalise: tl: i'm a caged animal
me: tl: i don't know how to use a gps
jennalise: tl: i'm a raver
jennalise: hahaha
me: tl: i collect glowsticks
me: tl: i come up w/ tl topics @ work
jennalise: i'm a white rapper
me: tl: my screenname is from 6th grade
jennalise: tl: my cell phone is from like 1997
me: the "like" is key
jennalise: yes
jennalise: tl: i have 25 cats
me: tl: i wear diapers but i'm older than 3
jennalise: hahaha
jennalise: i cant stop cracking up
me: tl: i prefer whiteboards to chalkboards
me: tl: i'm a girl with a teeny weenie
jennalise: tl: i cant orgasm
me: aww
me: tl: i can't grow facial hair
me: tl: i work @ trader joes
jennalise: hahahaha
me: tl: i'm still rooting for mccain
me: tl: i can't get on a reality series so this is the next best thing
jennalise: tl: i'm an obama fanatic
me: tl: i have bumper stickers
jennalise: tl: i have controversial bumper stickers
me: tl: my child is a monroe middle school honor student
me: tl: i'm not sure if i should get a blu-ray player
me: tl: i go by my first and middle name
me : tl: i'm ryan seacrest
me: tl: my kids are kinda lame
jennalise: tl: i'm a bus driver
me: tl: i take the bus
me: tl: my number never gets called at the deli
jennalise: tl: i can't pass my road test
me: tl: i work for diddy (!!!!!!!!!!!)
jennalise: haha
me: tl: i still wear jnco
me: tl: i just learned what fubu stands for
jennalise: hahahahhaa
jennalise: tl: my mom still buys my clothes
me: tl: im a bar mitzvah dj
me: tl: im a bar mitzvah dancer
jennalise: tl: i'm jewish
jennalise: hahaha
me: tl: im a lactard
jennalise: tl: i'm lactose intolerant
me: tl: i'm intolerant of beliefs that don't match my own
jennalise: tl: i'm a baby
me: tl: i have a baby fetish
jennalise: tl: i'm a total cunt
me: tl: food gets stuck in my braces
me: tl: i know that tupac is alive
me: tl: im in the witness protection program (lol)
me: tl: everyone always thinks im japanese but im actually korean
me: tl: i might be possessed
me: tl: i only watch sequels
me: tl: i live in wyoming, jealous?
jennalise: hahahaha
me: tl: i type lol even when im not laughing
LATER
me: u should get someone to sub for u at babysitting
me: jill could be a GREAT person to be tight w/
jennalise: i dont rly have the energy for jill
jennalise: i wish i did
me: like zang toi could make clothes for you prob
jennalise: i would just be a sack of shit
me: true life: i dont have enough energy for jill zarin
May 2009
1 post
“I went there with Robert to play darts and a drunk forty five year old woman...”
– A yelp.com review for Van Gogh’s Radio Lounge in Greenpoint.
April 2009
1 post
“Hey, anyone scamming some stupid Hipster has my sympathy - and there’s no...”
– Some genius who commented on the NY Observer article about the Hipster Grifter.
March 2009
13 posts
I made a new tumblr for these funny book covers
dontreadthesebooks.tumblr.com
Mom, ughhhhh
Backstory: I sent out a mass email today announcing that the show I worked on, Make Me A Supermodel, is premiering.
Debra: Dad said you sent a mass email about your show tonight I guess you didn't send it to me right? I don't see it
are you there?
me: i did!
oh wait
i sent it to your hotmail by accident
Debra: it's not in my gmail
ohhh
don't use that address for me anymore it doesn't work that well
me: i know
it was an accident
Debra: I just sent it to my gmail from my hotmail but haven't received it yet do you know how long it will take for me to get it? I want to send it to some people
Sent at 2: 09 PM on Wednesday
me: i sent it to your gmail
just now
who are you sending it to?
Sent at 2: 10 PM on Wednesday
Debra: wendy pat shelly irene
nancy
ok I ijust got it
is there anyone else you want me to send it to that you forgot?
I thought your name was only on the casting special
me: no i got everyone
no its on the whole show
Debra: WOW THAT'S GREAT!!!
me: yeah i told you
Debra: no you didn't tell me I would have remembered that
me: ok
Debra: In fact, I've been telling my friends to watch it but your name wouldn't be in the credits
me: i definitely told you
you never remember
haha
its just that in the casting special i was Associate Producer
but now i'm Production Assistant
so it was abigger deal
Debra: no way I would jhave forgotten this
oh ok
Debra: I just hit the send button on your email to my friends but it didn't say "sent"
I'll call one of them to see if they got it
me: no you dont have to do that
just go to the thing on the side that says sent mail
if its in there then it got sent
Sent at 2: 21 PM on Wednesday
Debra: okay yeah it was sent thanks
did you send it to my cousins?
me: no i didnt
i'll send to them
Debra: ellen, howie, debbie and marlene
me: i dont have howie debbie or marlene's emails
i just sent to ellen and susan
Debra: i'll do the rest
I'm watching Celebrity Apprentice
only because Tom Green is on it. Is that bad?
February 2009
15 posts
Become a fan of me on Hollywood.com →
Right now I have zero. Zero people in Hollywood (dot com) are a fan of me.
are my roommates avoiding me?
Every night that I’m home I feel like everyone avoids the living room. Where are you guys? I watched Lost all by myself the past two weeks and it was ever so lonely :(
I spent the morning trying to decide who is worse,
The Countess or Alex McCord and her husband Simon. Well, not the whole morning but a good portion of it.
Countess:
Demanded that her pizza delivery order said “Countess” on it.
Complained about having to order pizza for the kids because her maid is out of town.
Went up on stage without being asked at a cancer benefit and yelled at everyone to shut the fuck up, and then went back...
samryan:
Eugene Mirman is pitching a documentary about going back to Russia for the first time, to be directed by Michael Showalter. Amazing.
What. What. This could be the best documentary ever.
TAKE BACK NYU (or not?)
interweber:
Jennalise: WAIT
Jennalise: they have YOLATO in the kimmel dining hall now?!!!?!??!?!?!?1?1?1 WTF
me: HAHAHAHA
Jennalise: thats AMAZING
Jennalise: why protest nyu when you can get yolato
SERIOUSLY.
Lauren came back from vacation and now wants to...
Lauren: i found my comedic calling
Lauren: we can do a show together now
Lauren: i'm really good at being the straight one
Lauren: like borat
me: yeah??
me: i didnt know borat was "the straight one"
Lauren: yeah hes not haha
Lauren: i just meant i can contain my laughter
Me: oh ok
Me: we can do that
Me: lets start a show
Lauren: lol we should try seriously
Me: haha
Me: wait what did you do, like perform standup at a club in san diego or something?
Lauren: no we wreaked havoc at a museum mostly, and with clerks
Lauren: asking them absurd idiotic questions but completely seriously
Lauren: i stole a sandwich at the airport
WatchThis is one of the funniest things I have ever seen
Make Me A Supermodel Casting Special →
Saturday night at 11pm. Clearly if you are home then watching this on a Saturday night you’re a loser, but DVR it and look for my name in the credits (Associate Producer WHAT)!!!!
CAN SOMEONE POINT ME
in the direction of a blog that recaps The Real Housewives of OC. PLEASE.
January 2009
37 posts
Obama signs the equal pay act →
Well, that’s happy stuff
Don't ever say hi
Lindsey: A rep for the actress, singer, pAArty girl tabloid headline offered a weak explanation on why Lohan is super skinny again.Says the mouthpiece , "Lindsay is aware that she's lost some weight due to stress, but we recently did a photo shoot and she ate two full meals."
me: hahahahhaa
me: great
Lindsey: right
Lindsey: i love what i choose to IM w you first thing in the AM
Lindsey: like my LEAD IN to our convo
me: yes
Lindsey: TWO FULL MEALS wowowowowow
me: if you just say "hi" i'll laugh in your face and block you
me: you know better than that
Lindsey: hahahahahaa
Lindsey: YOU SHOULD
Lindsey: god
Lindsey: i'll never say hi
Lindsey: NEVER
What Do Women Want? →
This was really fascinating. And now I am wondering if all women are innately bisexual.